10:23pm

I don’t write that much anymore but here i am, i can’t get a hold of my thoughts. I just feel like breaking down and crying but i have to let it out, in some way. I have to have an outlet for this, and to be honest, i think this is my last resort. I know for sure that telling my friends will make it worse, and i definitely know that my friends are gonna be tired of listening to my problems.

But it all happened yesterday… I was waiting for my baby to arrive from his clinic. I was in his room doing my research paper on my laptop. When he finally arrived, and as usual, i was ever so happy to see him. I hugged him really tight and looked into his eyes, only seeing him stare at the screen of my laptop. I interrupted him and saved him the trouble of asking and i said “Don’t worry, i just greeted my friend for her birthday.” He then turned skeptical but i think in a jokingly way and reached for my laptop… Before he could do anything, i kissed him. Cause i honestly just really missed him that day and ive been wanting his attention on me. He gave in and we ended up napping together… Only leaving a mark of doubt on his face. …I guess my actions were very suspicious for him… So before leaving for work, he demaded for my laptop. He wanted to inspect it if ever i was hiding anything from him. I promised to him i wasn’t hiding anything, but i guess i just forgot that i was….

When i got to work, i received a message from him saying how i’ve visited my exes’ profiles countless of times last July. Aaah, July… The time when we visited the Philippines. Everything was a disaster by then and our relationship was hanging on a cliff. It was a time when I reconnected with my friends after two years. My friends and i did every possible way to reconnect… We did the things we used to do before i left. They hung out at my house, watched movies on my laptop, and went on Facebook and gossip. I was unconsciously aware that ive visited my exes profiles and twitter accounts cause it was how my friends and i used to gossip. Whenever a laptop is infront of us, when we gossip, we visit the person’s facebook during the conversation. They were just really curious to know if my exes knew i was back in the Philippines and wondered what would happen if they did… I’m telling you, they were pretty inquisitive about it. And i became curious too… If it still affected them in some point. Not that i wanted them to get affected or anything. I was just curious to know what they’ll feel when they find out that i visited the Philippines with my boyfriend all the way from New Jersey. Tbh, i actually wanted them to feel insecure about how my boyfiend would go all the way from New Jersey just to be with me. Cause that’s a huge thing, yknow? That after the way they treated me, i wanted them to think that they were real jerks. That somebody loves me more and would do anything just to be with me. I know, it was pretty dumb. I just wish i didnt have to be so egotastic about it. But yeah, so that’s what happened.

So i couldn’t explain myself to him… Cause i know for sure that he wouldn’t bother considering what i had to say cause i’ve been a liar to him anyway. And plus, if i started to argue, everything that happened in the past between us will just come running back from his mouth and it would just make things worse. I have no defense… Everything I do wrong is permanent. So therefore, i’ll forever be a liar. And it sucks, yknow? Like i’ve been trying to make things right between the two of us cause i know how badly ive hurt him in the past. I really want him to be happier with me. I want all those good moments back as well. But it never will be as long as the past will never be forgotten.

Now he’s far off thinking he wasn’t enough for me. That i couldn’t get over any of my exes. That he’s not good enough. To be honest, i broke up with him laaat night. For some reason its because i didnt wanna hurt him anymore. I didnt wanna commit mistakes that could never be erased. And i’m telling you, i am not even close to being perfect. I’m a messed up teenager who moved to America leaving all my beloved friends and family in the Philippines stuck facing never-ending issues in the house i’m living in. I’ve always lived a life where i had to conform to everyone else’s expectations because of the shadows of my mom’s past that i’ve yet to avoid and with that, i got used to breaking/hating rules which i feel that controls me. I mean, that’s who i think i am. I don’t even care if any of you disagrees. But that’s how i feel.

So yeah… So far, now, i feel terribly sorry for doing the things i did. But since i’ve been ignored all day, it gave me a chance to realize that we both need time alone to process everything that’s happened to us and what is there to expect in the future. I just wish everything goes well…